Connecting With Self

“Talking to myself because I am my own consultant”

July 30th, 2025, at 8:20 am

I think about how life is constantly changing, and how we know that’s out of our control. But always finding ourselves trying to change that outcome, trying to be in control, trying to make sense of life and everything we experience in it. Life is so painful at times, and it makes me not want to exist, but it’s also beautiful. I fall in love with the beauty of things over and over again, and it’s so consuming that it makes me lose myself, and it changes me every time I experience it, every time I get high on that beauty of life again, even the painful parts, which makes me change my mind and want to live more. I can feel how it changes me, how more aware I am of everything around me just by living day to day. I have no career goals in life and I will no longer stress myself out trying to find one because i think my only purpose on this earth is to live and my creations come just from me living, crying, laughing, being in love, falling out of it, just being  it’s so confusing and amazing my mind is in a constant scramble but I wouldn’t change it...well maybe a little lol

alone, I’m being

This is the calmest, happiest, and clear minded i have ever been in my life. I love this new experience for me. It took a lot of work and patience to reach this point, and every day brings a new challenge to test me, but I am so confident in myself and my healing journey, I know that I will only continue to grow and go up from here. 

I fully believe the most important part of healing is accepting you aren’t in control of anything but yourself and how you react. We can’t control people, relationships, time nor energy, and trying to do so will just leave you anxious/depressed. You must accept that you can’t change the past, and once you accept that the things have already happened, you can focus on thinking about how the moment made you feel, then move on. Also, planning too much into the future will leave you anxious, too. Don’t things usually work out? Right so don’t spend too much time worrying about the days you aren’t sure will come. 

The best thing that I have found to help me with my anxiety was living in the now. Yes, you can give some care to the past and the future; they are impotent tools, but the majority of your energy should be focused here on the present. I spend most of my time walking these days. I can walk for hours, I love listening to music and singing while walking, or just thinking while walking. Most of the time I share light conversations with strangers, familiar faces at shops I visit frequently, animals, and bugs. One morning after a rainy few days had ended I was headed to the library and noticed slugs moving slowly on the concrete trying to make their way back home under the dirt, the sun was beating them and i was sad that most would dry out before making it so i did what I felt and picked leaves off a bush and made them little carriers to climb on and be carried back to the dirt at lighting speed. It’s a thankless job, but it warms me up inside, connecting with everything around me, idk. I journal when I have the urge, same thing with drawing, and have even started collecting leaves and flowers on my walks to put in between the pages of my sketch book. I joined a book club last year and read even when sometimes I don’t want to; I wasn’t into reading as a kid, so this really took some discipline, but most books require no forcing of myself to read because they’re so consuming. I have fully engulfed myself in the world of cooking, coming from a family that can cook, this always felt like something I had to do, but in recent years, it’s become a real love of mine.  Photography is something I am really into as well. Mainly taking photos of myself, but also of landscapes, animals, buildings, whatever piques my interest. Started collaging with all the things I collect and take pictures of. I’m truly a collector these days. I have also really gotten into my crystals that I’ve been having for many, many years, some given by sweet people I only spent moments with, others by friends, and now I have bought some of my own. Researching them has been very spiritual in a way. Knowing that these rocks have gone through their own unique form of pressure and formed to become the beautiful, powerful beings they are now. Nothing on this earth really comes easily; everything really goes through its own process, its own cycle. We are really more connected than humans today realize. I know we used to be more connected to Mother Earth. I can feel it; we are yearning for that connection again, and I believe she is yearning for us as well. 

It took me fully being alone, yes, I still have some friends, I didn’t cut off everyone lol, to heal. I had to shut out the majority of the noise to get my own soul, my own voice. Not because they were “bad” people, they weren’t, I just cared more about their voices over mine. I could not differentiate my thoughts and opinions from others, I didn’t know what I wanted because I was more worried about what people might want. I had no self-confidence because I wasn’t making decisions fully based on myself. I had no connection with spirit because I was doing what people told me to, not what I felt. I was forced to be alone to finally listen. And I hear me loudly, but calmly. My heart is at peace. 

I create worlds with my mind 

I create life with my hands

My heart heals

My soul feels